If the Kansas Republican Party ever was to pay back Gov. Mark Parkinson for abandoning their party, I mean really exact some revenge, the plot would have to be clever. After all, we're not dealing with some hare-brained governor the likes of what Illinois had to suffer through recently.

No, the right-wingers would have to be patient. Bide their time until Parkinson's gubernatorial stint was almost complete. Catch him when he's not at Cedar Crest. Maybe even trail him until he checks into a boarding house for the night -- and then poison him.

The plot is real, kind of. Except the perpetrators will not be disgruntled Republicans. The persons of interest going after the governor will be the Topeka Civic Theatre and Academy. And Parkinson will be a willing participant. Following the lead of former Govs. Kathleen Sebelius and Bill Graves, the current chief executive of the state will play a cameo role in the theater's annual fundraising gala. He'll appear as Gibbs in a production of "Arsenic and Old Lace."

Had you going, didn't I? With all apologies to those on the right, please exit stage left.

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Have you ever been a victim of a "ring and run" or "ding-dong ditch?" You know, when you hear somebody at your door and by the time you open it, they're gone?

It's a common teenager prank. And, being fleet of foot, they're darned hard to catch. If you ever do nab one of the jokesters, make sure you don't escalate matters to the point you get in trouble.

Apparently some guy in Bethlehem, N.Y., last week got mad when four teens pounded on his back door, rang the bell on his front door and then bolted. Clad in only his underwear, the pharmaceutical executive chased one of the boys down and tackled him. Then brought him back to his house to await the arrival of police.

Guess who the police arrested? The owner of the home! He now faces charges of child endangerment and harassment. I guess he's lucky indecent exposure wasn't thrown in the mix.

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Just when you think you've got a handle on the tea party movement, something else gets thrown in the pot. The brew keeps steeping in mysterious ways.

I was under the impression tea partiers were against big government and the traditional two-party system we have in place. But I'll be darned if career politicians don't keep jumping on the bandwagon.

Last week, Kansas Republican Reps. Jerry Moran, Todd Tiahrt and Lynn Jenkins all joined the new Tea Party Caucus in the U.S. House. The multiple oaths of office they've all sworn to through the years have not been enough; the three now have pledged to promote "fiscal responsibility, adherence to the Constitution, and limited government." Which begs the question: What have they been doing up to this point? And linking their names with the tea party is going to change that?

People aren't drinking tea within this movement; they're drinking Kool-aid.

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An equally fishy story comes from our neighbors to the east.

A guy from Florissant, Mo., set a world record last week when he hauled a blue catfish out of the Missouri River. A big one. It weighed 130 pounds, was 57 inches long and measured 45 inches in girth.

"This is pretty much it for me," said the proud angler.

If that's as good as it gets, perhaps it's time he visited the "Arsenic and Old Lace" hotel.

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Proving that fascination with aquatic creatures is a worldwide phenomenon, Germany claims to have a psychic octopus at an Oberhausen aquarium. The eight-legged freak named Paul (see, he wasn't the walrus!) supposedly predicted the outcome of the national soccer team's games throughout the World Cup. He even "knew" Spain would beat the Netherlands in the final.

Workers at the Sea Life Aquarium would lower two clear boxes into his tank, each adorned with the competing teams' flags on the side. Inside the boxes were treats for Paul. Whichever box he opened became his "pick" in the cup.

One Spanish town was so pleased with Paul's prediction they cast a bronze likeness of Octo-psychic and shipped it to the aquarium.

Is it any wonder soccer hasn't caught on in America? Vegas odds-makers are too hard-pressed to put a line on what an octopus thinks.

Patrick Lowry is editor and publisher of The Hays Daily News.

plowry@dailynews.net