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Election recap: Not exactly funny ha-ha

At long last, the election is dead, long live the election.

All the claim-jumping, horse-thieving, border-crossing, food-stamp-licking, entitlement-abusing, taxpayer-defrauding, mooch-driven, excessively pigmented, budget-sucking welfare parasites who voted for Obama are finally sobering up and lining up to slurp at the public trough again.

The sheer outrageousness of the campaigns was occasionally tempered with comedy relief.

Mormons became honorary Christians, and lost their cult-favorite status, when Billy Graham removed them from his Official List of Cults. As Frank Zappa put it, "The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own." Mormons own lots of real estate. Utah, for instance.

Then there was the TV pitch featuring Mike Pompeo. He opened by saying "I'm not a paid politician." He ran a successful campaign for political office and receives a salary in that capacity. So in what sense is he not a politician, nor a paid one?

Some very strange philosophical positions were articulated, more or less.

Slavery has gotten a bad rap, it seems.

Arkansas Rep. Loy Mauch: "Nowhere in the Holy Bible have I found a word of condemnation for the operation of slavery, Old or New Testament. If slavery was so bad, why didn't Jesus, Paul or the prophets say something? If slavery were so God-awful, why didn't Jesus or Paul condemn it, why was it in the Constitution and why wasn't there a war before 1861?"

Rep. Jon Hubbard: African slaves had better lives under slavery than in Africa, and blacks are not contributing to society. "... the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise. The blacks who could endure those conditions and circumstances would someday be rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the Earth." I guess we all have to pay our dues.

Candidate and former Arkansas Rep. Charlie Fuqua: "The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut. 21:18-21. This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children."

He also advocated sterilization for bad parents.

Tennessee Rep. Scott Desjarlais -- a pro-life family-values tea-partying doctor who admitted in court that he and his former wife, Susan, made a mutual decision to have two abortions. He admitted to affairs with eight women while his divorce was pending; one of his mistresses claimed he pressured her to get an abortion too. He also said he had sex with at least two patients and prescribed painkillers for at least one of them.

Georgia's Paul Broun: "All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell." According to Broun, the scientific "plot" was primarily concerned with hiding the "true" age of the Earth. (A scientific version of pancake makeup and Botox shots?)

Jack Wu, elected to the Kansas Board of Education (though Wu's views and "education" seem mutually exclusive): "The current public educational system in Kansas and the United States is preparing its students to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers and perverts." And, speaking of himself in the third person, "after seeing the light of Westboro Baptist Church. There, he found people that loved and served the Lord their God sincerely. The church stands amidst the evil city of Topeka ..."

Missouri Rep. Todd Akin: "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Turns out, they're all Republicans. (I looked at Democrats too, but the worst of them just wants to steal candy from hard-working babies and give it to lazy babies.) Still, there's a lot more to GOP philosophy than tax cuts for the rich and raping the environment to fill the offshore coffers of coal, oil and mining magnates. Keep an open mind. The GOP pitches a big tent, and 99 percent of us will be living in tents if they keep this up.

On a positive note, the election did demonstrate that Obama is not a Muslim.

When Sandy struck, it proved that the federal government can indeed play a critical role in massive relief efforts. Under proper leadership, federal response can be rapid and effective. Republicans like New Jersey Gov. Christie and New York City Mayor Blumberg felt obliged to acknowledge the skill, decisiveness and insight Obama displayed in coming to their rescue. This could well have persuaded a critical mass of undecided voters to support Obama.

Now, events like hurricanes are often considered "acts of God." God, with his divine foresight, surely knew that causing or allowing Sandy's rampage would sway the election to Obama. So -- either God is a Muslim or Obama isn't.

Of course, Muslims don't host beer summits, participate in Christian worship, swear on a Bible or allow their daughters to look at men. But it's nice to finally know for sure.

Jon Hauxwell, MD, is a retired family physician who grew up in Stockton and now lives outside Hays. hauxwell@ruraltel.net