Trump's no good, very bad week

WASHINGTON — Scene: The White House. Time: The Present.

Trump: This job is not fun. Not fun. Dull. Boring. Really boring. Infuriating. Incredibly boring.

Aide: Uh, yes, sir.

Trump: I think I’ll go to Mar-A-Lago. Fantastic chocolate cake.

Aide: I’m afraid that’s not possible now, sir. You have two meetings with foreign leaders and more interviews for the FBI job now that the Texas senator pulled out. The national security people want to see you. Something about classified information and Russia. And you have your first foreign policy trip. The briefers are coming.

Trump: Russia. Russia. Russia. Why won’t that fake news go away! I’ve done everything I can think of to get rid of it. (Blasted) FBI. It’s all the loser media’s fault. They just won’t accept that I am president. Hey! I’m president! Can you believe it?

Aide: Uh, yes, sir.

Trump: Now that Russia foreign minister, what’s-his-name, and the ambassador. They’re great guys. Great. That was a successful meeting. Very, very successful. We should have them back. I love how we stuck it to the fake news media and let the Russian photographer in the Oval but not those leeches I have to deal with.

Aide: Uh, yes, sir.

Trump: And you know I have the legal right to declassify any intelligence information I want to. Russia is our friend. They’re going to help us kill ISIS.

Aide. Well, sir, Russia’s allies are the Syrian government, Iran and Hezbollah. They don’t really care much about ISIS.

Trump: I could see how impressed the Russians were that I knew that classified stuff. But I didn’t tell him where I got it, did I?

Aide: Uh, no sir.

Trump: Those loser senators said Russia could guess it was Israel. But, hey, those Russians are smart. Not my fault.

Aide: Uh, no sir.

Trump: You know I like my own beds. Best money can buy. Hate hotels. Where am I going again?

Aide: Saudi Arabia, Israel, the Vatican, NATO.

Trump: Tell me why again?

Aide: You’re connecting with three of the world’s greatest religions.

Trump. Sigh. They like me there, right.

Aide: Uh, yes sir. They do. You’ll get a very warm reception. Lot of arms deals. Everybody’s on board with no long, unnecessary meetings. This will be good for your image. It’ll be a reset.

Trump: That’s what I like to hear. I can’t believe those loser Democrats won’t accept that I’m president. I won! She didn’t. You know, Hillary would have been a terrible president. Terrible! Unqualified. We can’t have someone in the White House who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “confidential” or “classified.” We should have locked her up.

Aide. Well, sir. I ... .

Trump: Why doesn’t everybody just shut up about Russia? I tried to put a Trump Tower in Moscow but they were stupid. Wouldn’t let me. We’ll change that. Eight years. Yeah. You know, I miss Mike Flynn around here. Good man. Phone calls just don’t do it. Not when I’ve got to make the really tough decisions. Gave me good advice about how to handle those Russians. (Blasted) FBI. (Blasted) memos.

Aide: Uh, yes, sir.

Trump: What did we do about that slip on the “tapes?” Like I had at Trump Tower. You know. I’m just not going to talk about it.

Aide: Well, yes, sir. That’s what we said. You won’t talk about it. We won’t talk about it.

Trump: Good. Great. Maybe they’ll stop talking about Russia, too. Why don’t those ... guys on the Hill just shut up and pass some bills? I sent up a great tax plan. Not one of those long, complicated things. Simple. Effective. Really, it would be fantastic for everybody I know if those guys would just shut up and get to work. Why won’t they?

Aide: Well, sir, we’ve had some ups and downs. There’s complaining that we’re distracting from our message by unforced errors, self-inflicted mistakes.

Trump: Mistakes! Did you say mistakes?

Aide: Oh my. Sir. Look. You’ve never held office before. You’d never even been in a government office before you walked into the White House. It’s not your fault. You’re learning. You’re draining the swamp! It takes time.

Trump: Loyalty. I need loyalty. You’re fired. Jeez. When is this going to be fun?

amcfeatters@nationalpress.com

Ann McFeatters is an op-ed columnist for Tribune News Service.