Normally, next month is October. Go to your calendar. Lift the September sheet so's you can see October clearly.

Now carefully count the number of Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. If you've done it right, there should be five each. So what, you ask? Come back to the present. Kiddo, next month is a rarity.

For the coming 823 years, only this year will October have five Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. A good Christian lady in Dodge City assured me she got that from a reliable friend. Pass it along at the coffee shop, but make sure you tell where you learned it. Right here. With luck, all good Americans will know before election day.

Think I'm joking? Yeah, well, our Secretary of State Kris Kobach checked it out.

I know, you can't always depend on Kobach. Last Monday, he said he got official word from Hawaii that Obummer's birth certificate jibed with what the sneaky White House had put out. Kris said he has "no doubts now."

Of course, that is what the Wichita Eagle snooze-paper said. You absolutely cannot trust the lamestream media. But for just a second, believe Kris actually claimed that Obummer might be a skinny darky, but that he is constitutionally eligible not only to be president of these United States but OK to be on the Kansas ballot in November.

Jeez, does Kobach not get it?

Hawaiian state government is not what he thinks it is. Hawaii, lying conveniently mid-Pacific, is miles closer to Russia than Kansas. Ask Sarah Palin. The pineapple state has been infiltrated by Marxist agents since 2008, and you know who got elected then. Hawaii now has socialist programs like the minimum wage and the 40 hour week. They even require mostly accurate content labels on food cans and packages. That's big government regulation, my friends. Forty-seven percent of the lazy old welfare cheats there are taking Social Security and Medicare. And ... and ... Hawaii has public schools and universities. Good God, there are public parks.

C'mon, Kobach. You actually believe anything coming from Hawaii? The whole damned state is a Mauna Loa of radical Islamic propaganda. And in case you hadn't got this email: radical Islam is a cover for atheistic socialism. That's in William Ayers and Sol Alinsky's book "The Useful Truths of Radicality." Holy Honolulu!

Back to October. I have reliable testimony that Snopes, Politifact, Factcheck, TruthorFiction and Urban Legends cannot be trusted. They are all financed by George Soros and his third wife's cousin Vladimir Putin. That information comes from the only fairly balanced TV news outlet. And Rush Limbaugh, having been lovingly spanked for calling Sandra Fluke a word that rhymes with "nut," will also corroborate my findings. Just call in.

But ... not wishing to leave any base journalistically un-rounded, I checked. Snopes, of course, says it's all hooey, says October will have five Mondays-Tuesdays-Wednesdays way sooner than 2835. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look deeper. Barbara and David Mikkelson, who publish Snopes, are not just Sorosians and Putinians. They are Canadians -- and Canada has universal health care. Folks, do the math.

Another lefty site (Timeanddate.com, obviously run by liberal university graduates) claims that 2007 October had five Mondays-Tuesdays-Wednesdays and will again in 2018. Horse poop.

Frankly, as it sometimes happens to septuagenarians, my memory's not so good. I'm dim about 2007. But if I can make it to 2017, I've told Better Half to watch for the 2018 calendars to come out, and let me know. She has a sticky-note somewhere -- if she can remember where she put it.

Before we go, I got an email yesterday proving that if Obummer is re-elected he'll take away the .22 single-shot my dad got me when I turned 13. Worse, there'll be SEAL-trained SWAT teams at all churches demanding photo IDs and at least three notarized affidavits affirming you and your children are registered Democrats and have never voted otherwise. Inside, the crucifixes, candles and altar clothes will have been removed.

Pious conservatives (there are no other kind) and churchy Republicans, too, will be turned away to find a grotto -- one with no heat and no potty. Hereabout, grottos are rare. So your best bet is to become a Muslim or a secular humanist and run for office as a Democrat. You will need a brand new photo ID.

You think I make this stuff up? "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye free."

(I think Karl Rove said that originally, but I can't prove it yet.)

Bob Hooper is a fourth-generation western Kansan who writes from his home in Bogue.

celtic@ruraltel.net