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Righties adrift on Incontinence Creek

Published on -11/16/2012, 10:18 AM

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I hit the sack in the wee hours, happy that President Obama had won a second term. That afternoon, to soothe any dismay about the predictable vote here in Brownbackistan, I watched several hours of Fox Snooze. There, right wing potentates were displaying viral incontinence -- or, in more picturesque terms, pee'ing their pantaloons.

On election night, Karl Rove was sure his Crossroads PAC would, despite projections, win Ohio for Mitt. On chilly Wednesday, the Rev. Karl was sure Obama forces had "suppressed the vote" -- by which he meant that Mitt had been smeared as a plutocrat who outsourced jobs. Throughout the day, Fox's bevy of busty blondes bawled bravely. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have torn their garments down to damp skivvies.

This week on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart interviewed Fox's Mike Huckabee. Republicans had done a terrible job, Huckabee said. That is, the Party had failed to educate Hispanics and blacks about how conservative values were really good for them -- if they just understood. Gays were sinners and shouldn't marry. "The Daily Show" lasts only 30 minutes, so they didn't get into abortion, guns, or putting the 10 Commandments on the courthouse wall, eliminating the minimum wage -- and how all that would make life better for blacks and Hispanics.

And here in Kansas ...

A Rooks Countian responded to my last column about President Obama's inauguration, whether or not he swore in on a Koran as a persistent rumor had it. My correspondent said that Chief Justice Roberts had sworn Obama in a second time, and posed a rhetorical question: "Was it with a Koran?" Ah, the evil Roberts-Obama-Islamic conspiracy.

No, no book, religious or otherwise, was used in the 25-second follow-up. In the original swearing in, Roberts (and the president) had screwed up the precise phrasing. The next morning they got it all just right so's to clear the air. FYI, the Constitution (Article II, Section I) does not require presidents to swear in on a Bible or any book, religious or otherwise. Neither does it require repeating "So help me, God." (Right-wing constitutionalists, make a note of that.)

Then, days after the election, an area handyman came into town here in his panel truck. Painted on one side (maybe both, I didn't look), in letters maybe a foot high, the words "Vote for the American." On the back bumper, an Obama logo with "OMG" beside it -- which I took to mean "Oh, My God, not this black Muslim." The sign hadn't worked out, he told me as he was mixing mud in the customers' front yard..

Last week in his HDN Local Voices column, Ken Klemm, a demogogue from Sherman County relieved himself in his "America drifts past the tipping point" column. Klemm called Obama a tyrant, one who loves Islam and disdains Judeo-Christianity, one who has "contempt" for the Constitution, and is probably a communist -- someone of whom "Karl Marx and Mao Tse-tung would be proud."

Klemm says the number of food stamp recipients since 2009 is "75 times the number of jobs added." Leaving aside for the moment the Bush years' Great Recession and the job losses (mostly by courtesy of unregulated Wall Street greed) 4.4 million jobs have been added since 2009. Yes, 13.2 million more are on food stamps since 2009. But let's see, 13.2 divided by 4.4 is ...

As to debt, Klemm predictably neglects to admit that the great preponderance of it owes to two unfunded Bush administration wars, tax cuts for the rich, and a giveaway to drug companies called Medicare Part D.

Klemm ran unopposed as a conservative herd Republican, winning a county commissioner seat with 792 votes. He is but a "humble man," he says. Klemm does wear a really big hat, and his mustache reminds me of Joe Stalin's. Maybe coincidental?

One of the goofiest manifestations of viral incontinence is a petition circulating now in all 50 states. The proclaimed goal: to peacefully withdraw from the Union and declare independent territory.

I leafed through a couple hundred recent signers of the supposedly Kansas petition. Less than half gave Kansas addresses. People from Colorado, Florida,Ohio, Indiana, New York, Wisconsin, Georgia, etc. all pitched in. Many provided no address. Signers were of undetermined ages, levels of blood alcohol, tetrahydracannabinol -- or degrees of racial bigotry (which would be most commonly found). Photo IDs nor birth certificates were required.

As of Thursday morning, there were 7,200 total signers. Let's say 3,600 were Kansans. That amounts to .00013 of Kansas's 2.9 million people. Whee.

Among the Kansans were Jewel M in Grinnell; Kelly G in Ogallah; Robert N in Logan; J.M.K. in Hays; and Lance D-Layton D- Linda D, and Daryl D in Agra. (A couple other petitions are circulating asking that those who sign "let me out of the US" petitions be rounded up and deported. I may sign that one.)

So what's the tipping point? All those capsized right wingers wallowing in Incontinence Creek -- crossing the nation through Brownbackistan.

Bob Hooper is a fourth-generation western Kansan who writes from his home in Bogue.

celtic@ruraltel.net

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