www.mozilla.com Weather Central
Voices
Headlines

A note on primitivism -1/29/2015, 9:55 AM

Owning ideas -1/29/2015, 9:55 AM

There's more -1/29/2015, 9:55 AM

Kansas' birthday -1/29/2015, 9:55 AM

Back to the future, locked and loaded -1/28/2015, 9:29 AM

Compromise -- make it happen -1/28/2015, 9:29 AM

Faith v. facts -1/28/2015, 9:29 AM

Counting on Les -1/27/2015, 9:22 AM

Building bills in the Legislature -1/27/2015, 9:22 AM

Tale of the tree -1/27/2015, 9:22 AM

Seismic activity -1/27/2015, 9:22 AM

Where are the good guys? -1/27/2015, 9:21 AM

Brownback's budget -1/26/2015, 9:59 AM

Committee meetings begin -1/26/2015, 9:50 AM

Excitement starts at Capitol -1/26/2015, 9:50 AM

What's happening with oil prices? -1/26/2015, 9:50 AM

Synthetic biology, brave new world -1/26/2015, 9:50 AM

Today's fierce urgency is voter mobilization -1/25/2015, 5:02 PM

Duke, Muslims and politics of intimidation -1/25/2015, 5:02 PM

Right to hunt -1/25/2015, 5:02 PM

Pipeline: Foreign profits, American risk -1/23/2015, 7:47 AM

Social Darwinist 'Christianity' -- Chapter 3 -1/23/2015, 7:47 AM

Kiwanis generosity -1/23/2015, 7:47 AM

The state economy -1/22/2015, 10:23 AM

Restate of the union -1/22/2015, 10:23 AM

France needs our First Amendment -1/22/2015, 10:23 AM

Repurposing Washington -1/20/2015, 9:31 AM

March for Life -1/20/2015, 9:31 AM

Brownback, the budget and schools -1/20/2015, 9:31 AM

Sensible checks are no assault on gun rights -1/19/2015, 9:50 AM

Jeb Bush chooses expedience on marriage issue -1/19/2015, 9:50 AM

The State of the State Address and the legislative session -1/19/2015, 8:47 AM

Spending's not the culprit in budget woes -1/18/2015, 3:32 PM

Pilgrim's paradise -1/18/2015, 3:32 PM

Spring elections -1/18/2015, 3:23 PM

Kobach is back -1/16/2015, 3:04 PM

More with Les -1/16/2015, 10:03 AM

Understanding Hooper -1/16/2015, 10:02 AM

Basic economics -1/16/2015, 10:01 AM

Female governance -1/15/2015, 9:37 AM

2015 energy policy -- a unique opportunity -1/15/2015, 9:37 AM

The better option -1/15/2015, 9:36 AM

'Wall Street' a waste -1/14/2015, 2:50 PM

Trade already -1/14/2015, 2:49 PM

No media bias? -1/14/2015, 2:48 PM

Retirement funds -1/14/2015, 2:47 PM

Redefining public education in Kansas -1/13/2015, 10:06 AM

What the future holds -1/13/2015, 10:06 AM

Efficient education -1/13/2015, 10:06 AM

Terrorists usher in the 'End of Satire' -1/12/2015, 9:14 AM

Sexuality, lame logic, substandard science -1/12/2015, 9:14 AM

A tragic family story -1/11/2015, 12:11 PM

For freedom, LGBT rights, a year of decision -1/11/2015, 12:11 PM

Roberts' promotion -1/11/2015, 12:11 PM

FHSU campaign -1/11/2015, 12:11 PM

Fairness in U.S. -1/9/2015, 3:05 PM

Liberals' use of black people -- Part II -1/9/2015, 9:09 AM

Social Darwinist 'Christians' -- Chapter 2 -1/9/2015, 9:09 AM

Taxing situation -1/9/2015, 9:09 AM

Trust: Society depends on it -1/8/2015, 9:55 AM

Education schools lack a paradigm -1/8/2015, 9:55 AM

Congress convenes -1/7/2015, 10:07 AM

Simple way to fix gridlock: change committees -1/7/2015, 10:06 AM

Kansas is your customer -1/7/2015, 10:06 AM

Large budget shortfalls await solution -1/6/2015, 10:06 AM

The state and funding K-12 education -1/6/2015, 10:06 AM

Tree removal -1/6/2015, 10:06 AM

Republicans won -- now what? -1/5/2015, 9:13 AM

Social Darwinist religion, Chapter 1 -1/5/2015, 9:13 AM

Liberals' use of black people -1/2/2015, 9:53 AM

Ignorance abounds -1/2/2015, 9:53 AM

Superbug dilemma -1/2/2015, 9:53 AM

Thanks North Korea -12/31/2014, 1:26 PM

Sony gets the last laugh -12/31/2014, 1:26 PM

Free speech -12/31/2014, 1:16 PM

New Year's resolutions -- sort of -12/31/2014, 9:22 AM

A flat-footed backflip for Wall Street -12/31/2014, 9:22 AM

Dim the lights -12/31/2014, 9:22 AM

Some near-sure bets for the new year -12/31/2014, 9:21 AM

Adios, Rick Perry -12/30/2014, 8:20 AM

Budget strife means high-anxiety session -12/30/2014, 8:20 AM

Time for caution -12/30/2014, 8:20 AM

-12/29/2014, 10:01 AM

Court's raw deal -12/29/2014, 10:01 AM

Chris Christie's pork barrel politics -12/29/2014, 10:00 AM

A Festivus Miracle -12/27/2014, 4:18 PM

Faith, not politics, keeps Christ in Christmas -12/27/2014, 4:18 PM

EPA rule falls short -12/27/2014, 4:18 PM

2014: The year in Kansas higher education -12/26/2014, 9:39 AM

Methane from cattle -12/26/2014, 9:39 AM

Black progression and retrogression -12/26/2014, 9:38 AM

Up-Lyft-ing Christmas tale -12/25/2014, 1:22 PM

Terrorism on soft targets -12/25/2014, 1:22 PM

Story of Christmas -12/25/2014, 1:22 PM

Fabricated column -12/24/2014, 8:21 AM

The Christmas spirit dwells in us all -12/24/2014, 8:21 AM

Celebrating life -12/24/2014, 8:21 AM

A visit from St. Nicholas -12/24/2014, 8:21 AM

A look ahead to the Legislature -12/23/2014, 9:34 AM

There is a Santa Claus -12/23/2014, 9:34 AM

myTown Calendar

SPOTLIGHT
[var top_story_head]

Will Dur$t'$ 2013 Chri$tmas Wi$h Li$t

Published on -1/2/2014, 9:47 AM

Printer-friendly version
E-Mail This Story

It's the most wonderful time of the year. And finally over. Thank the maker. Because if the Little Drummer Boy was played within my immediate vicinity one more time, somebody was going to have a bacon-flavored candy cane crammed into an orifice that doesn't naturally accommodate candy canes. Bacon or otherwise.

Merchants are whining more money could have been spent celebrating the anniversary of the birth of the Baby Jesus, but perhaps Christian consumers got hip to their little mark-down games and are poised for the post-holiday sales, which in the tradition of modern retailing creep were being pushed before Santa flew south. Thinking five years is the over/under before the sanctity of Christmas performs the same dark death-dive Thanksgiving took this year.

But to ensure some traditions don't get inadvertently tossed out with the ribbons, wrapping paper and littlest nephew, let me offer my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, Will Dur$t'$ 2013 Chri$tmas Wi$h Li$t for people who maybe didn't find the presents they truly deserved under the tree.

* For Chris Christie: The cape and tights necessary to save the Republican Party from itself.

* For Dennis Rodman: Some sort of force field that prevents Kim Jong Un from referring to him as "my favorite uncle."

* For medical science to study: Dick Cheney's heart. George Bush's brain. And Barack Obama's spine.

* For the city of Toronto: A handshake with Lorne Michaels to star Mayor Rob Ford in "The Chris Farley Story."

* For former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: A testosterone reduction.

* For Vice President Joe Biden: The vial containing Hillary Clinton's excess testosterone. Or 5-gallon drum.

* For the Vatican: Another Pope. What the hell? Look at all the positive publicity they've produced with two.

* For the Republic of South Sudan: The discovery that there is no oil.

* For Anthony Weiner: A one-way ticket to a deserted South Sea island populated solely by poisonous snakes and sword grasses.

* For Vladimir Putin: A pogo stick for when he bounces around the truth.

* For Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos: A deal with the U.S. Postal Service to deliver the mail by drones. Eat that, FedEx.

* For Fox News: A cuddly little mascot named Ben Gazee.

* For Liz Cheney (whose political ambition caused her to throw her sister under the bus): A round trip ticket on the clue train.

* For the NSA: A tracking chip in every American citizen. For our security.

* For Republican moderates: A remote control muzzle for Ted Cruz.

* For Jay Leno: Another network late-night show that will crush NBC in the ratings.

* For Edward Snowden: A palate to appreciate borscht and vodka.

* For Kanye West: One of those new gold iPhones with all the top divorce lawyers across the country preset into the contacts list.

* For Miley Cyrus: An extreme make-over by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

* For the NRA: Enough .357 Magnums with armor-piercing explosive bullets to hand out to every school teacher in the country.

* For American school children: Kevlar uniforms.

* For Justin Bieber: Well-deserved obscurity.

* For President Barack Obama: Harry S. Truman's desk sign -- "The buck stops here."

* For the people of Texas: A state-wide timeout; to stop and think before executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor.

Will Durst is an award-winning

political comic.

digg delicious facebook stumbleupon google Newsvine
More News and Photos

Associated Press Videos

AP Breaking News