Are you one of those people who believe others can't have their cake and eat it, too? It's one of those phrases that gets tossed around and, if you're in the right group of people, is followed by knowing nods of agreement.

Well, how can it be? If a person doesn't have a cake, how could they possibly eat it? And if a cake existed, who in their right mind could resist a small slice? When you bake a cake, it's meant to be eaten.

It just got me thinking about whether we know what we're saying when we choose food idioms to describe the world around us. Do the phrases capture the flavor of the situation or are they mere words? Babble. Drivel. Jabber. Jibberish.

Consider the person who is happy as a clam. Is there joy in the world of a bivalve mollusk? The headless creatures burrow into sediment underwater, searching for plankton to eat and trying to avoid those who eat them -- including squid, sharks and people. How happy is that?

We're obsessed with misappropriating the jargon of foodies. Think about it. If your life is going well, you're in a bowl of cherries. Where you'd ever find a bowl that big, I don't know. Or what kind of detergent you'd need to get all the red stains out of your clothes. But if circumstances change, somebody is bound to tell you you're supposed to make lemonade out of all those lemons. So, let's say you lose your job, your wife leaves you and your dog dies. Lemonade? I think not. Most would head straight for the liquor cabinet. And listen to bad country music (I know, that's redundant).

Have you ever looked at your child or spouse and utter these popular words? You are the apple of my eye. It's a good thing William Tell didn't put that particular piece of fruit anywhere near his son's eye when drawing his crossbow. The son would have been blinded for sure. Or killed. For that matter, if you had an apple in your eye, wouldn't it hurt? Could you cover it up with one of those colored contact lenses?

I know another term of endearment that has the potential to backfire. Thinking that just because a woman suddenly starts putting on a few extra pounds and assuming she's pregnant. If she's not, your goose is cooked. If she is, then you can say she's got one in the oven. Her Eggo is preggo. And you'd best be walking on eggshells. How annoying would that be? And how messy! If you thought she was in a bad mood before, wait until you start littering the floor with leftover rubbish from that morning's breakfast. You'll have egg on your face for sure. If you didn't cook it first, the yoke's on you!

There are gastronomical ways to describe those who succeed and those who don't.

A person who really doesn't know what they're talking about is full of beans. And they're the last ones you'd want to be around. All that hot air is bound to smell.

An honest, hard-working fellow is likened to the salt of the earth. Does that mean he should be licked or merely sprinkled on darn near everything on the dinner table? Either way, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

How about the woman who rises to the top? She's the cream of the crop. The top banana. Or maybe even the best thing since sliced bread. What does that mean? Was life meaningless before cutlery sets started including serrated knives? Making sandwiches definitely is easier with slices, but most galloping gourmets would rather rip off a hunk of crusty bread to go with their cheese and salami. After all, you can't live on bread alone.

You can call a ne'er-do-well chopped liver. And if his brother is the same, they're like two peas in a pod. They're not even worth their salt. Dollars to doughnuts, I'd bet they're couch potatoes on top of it. And eat like pigs.

On the flip side is the do-gooder cousin who's figured out how to cut the mustard. It's not even that difficult. Kind of like taking candy from a baby. I guess that's supposed to mean it's easy, but it sounds mean to me. Babies are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice. What's so nice about an infant with a sugar buzz, I don't know, but it's stealing nonetheless.

Some workers don't resort to thievery to get ahead. They merely butter up the boss. That's gross. What do they think he is, a hot-cross bun? Bottom line, they're hoping to make more bread with their flattery. But they better be careful. If the boss doesn't eat it up, they'll be the ones in a pickle.

Doesn't make sense, does it? These foodisms will get you in trouble if people take you literally. You'll end up eating your own words.

But enough of this. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. If I only eat part of it, though, I'd best be selective. As the saying goes: You are what you eat.

Patrick Lowry is editor and publisher of The Hays Daily News.

plowry@dailynews.net