In these troubled times, there are surely some things we can laugh about. And we should all know that a good laugh is a healthy thing, both mentally and physically.
So, I would like to share with you some of my collections from e-mail friends that I hope will bring some laughs.
This one was submitted by "Jonathon" to Free Jokes Online:
Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old brunette. She hangs onto his arm and listens intently to his every word.
His usual playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?" To which he replies, "Girlfriend! She's not my girlfriend, she's my wife!"
Disbelieving Thomas, they ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age" he replied.
"What did you tell her -- that you were only 50?"
Thorns smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
* * *
Some years ago, Kent Gaston submitted this one to the Ellsworth Reporter. It is titled "If Lawyers Made Road Signs."
If lawyers made road signs, you'd be driving along and pull up to a red octagonal one, and it would say, "All vehicular kinetic locomotion shall hereby desist at this juncture due to the voluntary application of retardation procedures with the confines of said vehicle by the operator of said vehicle; having hereinafter defined said operator as the individual or party most suitably positioned to apply the aforementioned retardation procedures to the device or devices provided by the manufacturer of said vehicle for same, and with due procedural consideration of the chronometry of said application of aforementioned retardation procedures so as to ease all motility of the motor carriage behind an imaginary line extending leftward from the point at which the support pole mechanism of this notice meets the ground, to a point one-half the distance across the throughfare upon which motor carriage has, until the time that the provisions of this notice take effect, been traveling.
Or, if you ever finished that sign and got back up to top speed, you might see a lawyer sign that said, "Vehicular locomotion shall proceed upon this state-owned and maintained causeway at a rate up to but not exceeding 55 miles per hour (80.8l94 feet per second); nor below 40 miles per hour (58.6666 feet per second). Failure to adhere to the aforementioned velocity regulatory instructions, shall result in volitional impedemeny of all vehicular constables as a duly deserved reminder of the violation, whether of one's own accord (sponte sua) or out of neglect (lapsus memoraie).
Or you might see a sign at the intersection of two streets, probably a black-and-white one, saying, "No vehicle shall execute any maneuver which would result, at the end of said maneuver, in the transposition of vehicular direction to an intipodal state of affairs, nor any other turn, manipulation, application of directional motivation upon a vehicle, or perpetration of any action 'by which the path of the vehicle during the course of the aforementioned proceeding might resemble an imaginary script of the twenty-first (21st) letter of the alphabet."
Come to think of it, I wonder what would happen if the people who actually do make today's road signs would get into the legal profession? For one thing, the paper industry would be in trouble. We'd have wills that, instead of rambling on for 145 pages, would say, "When I die, give my money and stuff to my wife."
We'd have insurance contracts that would say, "If you crash your car and it wasn't your fault, we'd pay for it."
Or maybe even professional athletes who would receive a contract from their team that says, "We'll pay you $3 million unless you ask for more, in which case we'd pay you 17 cents." And at the end of the date on the contract (No! Could this work?) bring out another contract that says how much they'll overpay him and have him sign that one.
Maybe then we wouldn't need so many people in the legal profession, and what a shame that would be. We'd probably have to go through terrible trials like handshake deals, believing what people say, you know, that sort of thing.
I guess we'll have to wallow in obscure language some more and leave the road signs to the concise writers.
Do you suppose congressional bills are affected by this practice?
Arris Johnson, Hays, is a member of the Generations Advisory Group.