Here we are, two weeks past New Year’s Day, and our ancient mid-winter “Ignoring of the New Year’s Resolutions” celebration is in full swing. It’s pretty obvious that we should keep our resolutions to ourselves; if nobody else knows about them, it doesn’t count when we abandon them. It follows that one should never put a personal resolution in writing.
Maybe you don’t make resolutions? When someone who actually cares asks “what New Year’s resolutions did you make?” it’s still a good idea to have a few decoy resolutions you can offer, so you don’t look like an uncaring irresponsible duty-shirker who can’t be bothered to make a commitment to self-improvement. These simulated resolutions must be easy to honor, though, so it won’t appear that you’re the sort of person who doesn’t keep resolutions.
For example, publicly resolve to brush your teeth every day. It’s safe — if you actually don’t brush, nobody will know for sure, because maybe you just now ate a spinach-and-poppyseed bagel.
Resolve to gas up your car only when the tank is partly empty.
Resolve to put your pants on one leg at a time, as other important people must do.
Here are some resolutions we’d like to see published in the Sunday insert, accompanied by little color portraits; but we probably won’t.
Little Conchita — if it please God, I resolve to accept with grace and dignity the rape, murder, and starvation I endure in my homeland of Honduras, and not trek north to disturb El Magnifico, Señor Trump, whose own grace and dignity are the most revered and respected in all the world, as are his compassion and steadfastness.
Jim Acosta — Out of respect for the office of the presidency, I resolve to quit assaulting fake “interns,” and if I really, really need to grab one by the wrist to protect my microphone, I’ll grab her elsewhere instead, following our president’s manly example.
Sarah Sanders — I resolve to consult my irony-checker app before using an official government account to attack a private citizen like James Comey, via tweets like this recent one: “when you’re attacking FBI agents because you’re under criminal investigation, you’re losing.”
I, anonymous White House aide, resolve that once my burns heal, I’ll never again open the President’s biennial Bible briefing with Proverbs 19:5. (You know the one, it goes “A false witness will not go unpunished and one who utters lies will not escape.”)
We, the nine Ancients of Days, thrice-three overlords of la Cosa Nostra Nueve Nuevo de GOP, resolve to continue “draining” the swamp, so we can accommodate even bigger, wealthier alligators, and more of them.
Vlad Putin — I resolve to promptly sign off on Wee Donnie Trumpsky’s legislative agendas in time for him to promote them before the next election. Always glad to help someone help himself.
Hillary — I resolve not to say “I told you so.” Oh, who am I kidding? Enjoy watching a steaming pile of Trump in the Oval Office, suckahs!
Brett Kavanaugh — I am hereby resolved to restore this Court’s dignit — woah! Hot chick, by the water cooler! Check that out!
Ruth Bader Ginsburg — I resolve to live to be 100, to counter the votes of that SOB Kavanaugh until he dies of cirrhosis.
Mohammad bin Salman — I resolve to modernize the implements with which we dispatch dissidents; bone saws are so 19th Century. I myself am thinking, all praise to the Almighty, a stylish rowboat, a fashionable pair of concrete galoshes, and a midnight deepwater deposit.
Mick Jagger — I resolve to quit referring to post-menopausal women as “cute young thing.”
Ben Carson — I resolve to “read up on” the Egyptian pyramids, as I’ve always wondered how they grew enough milo to fill one clear to the top.
Betsy DeVos — I have recently resolved to develop a holy voucher system to keep bears out of schools, so we won’t even need guns in classrooms. Well, maybe not all classrooms. Satisfied, you bleeding-heart gun-haters?
Rex Tillerson — I resolve to escape being fired throughout Trump’s entire term as moron-in-chief. What? He did? Aw, crap! When was he gonna let me know?
James Mathis — I resolve to apply for residence in Syria, where vacant land is cheap and plentiful, and the leader is just evil, not evil and crazy.
Kim Jong Un — I resolve anything you want! Just name it, I resolve it! No problem! What you do for me first?
Da Pope — I resolve to shine the light of reason and sensibility upon the doctrines and dogmas of the Holy Church; then once I’m unemployed, I will write a tell-all tome (The Book of Molestations, volumes 1-52), and dedicate myself to the prevention of overpopulation.
I Donald J. Trump resolve — and people tremendously admire my resolves — to stop using presidential power for personal enrichment, conspiring with the Russians to commit crimes against America, obstructing justice, undermining the First Amendment, raping the environment (smirk! smirk!) and collecting terrorized, some say terrorist, children in internment camps — although some very fine people say, I’ve often heard them say this, that after a day or two I should renegotiate or pull out of these resolves. Who knows — maybe I will, maybe I won’t. We’ll see what happens.
Jon Hauxwell, MD, is a retired family physician who grew up in Stockton and lives outside Hays.